Kimono sensei helps Geoff

We met Frank and Kaoru in Japan four years ago. They just returned from their own wedding in Canada. Kaoru helped us organize the entire Shinto ceremony. The Shinto marriage ceremony goes back at least a thousand years and was traditionally held in a jinja (shrine). Jinja are everywhere in Japan, dedicated to departed ancestors and heroes. A betrothed couple goes to a jinja to ask for a blessing from Kami-sama, the god of the jinja. These days, modern hotels have Shinto sanctuaries attached specifically for the thriving wedding business. Couples are frequently married western-style, with Shinto rituals thrown in for good measure. The exchange of rings is a western addition that we opted out of, to keep the ceremony as traditional as possible. Our ceremony was held in Chofu, a city in greater Tokyo. On our first day in Japan we went to learn about the ceremony and have a bit of a rehearsal. Like all jinjas in Japan, our little shrine in Chofu is a little oasis of serenity in the chaos.

The Shinto way is very precise and symbolic. By the end of our rehearsal we were a little overwhelmed by the finer details. We asked a lot of questions of the priest and his helper; I think they were pleased that we were taking it so seriously. We didn't realize it at the time but it is becoming rare for Japanese people to go through the full ceremony in a jinja.

Traditionally the couple wear kimono, usually extremely elaborate and formal. We wore a more casual style of kimono: somewhere in the Sunday best, having the Mayor for dinner, range of formality. We had to have a trained kimono instructor help us get dressed, as it was too difficult even for our Japanese friends to tie the obi (belt). It took us a few days to find tabi big enough for my gargantuan western feet. Tabi are the split-toed socks that I used to call "ninja boots" as a kid.

On the day of the ceremony, we took the train to the jinja. We noticed a curious woman reading over our shoulders as we practiced our vows in Japanese whispers. She read them out loud to help us, reading so quickly it just made us more nervous. It was a nice moment though. We walked from the train station to the jinja and it was painfully obvious to me that my geta (sandals) were too small. They were half the length of my feet. The geta belonged to Kaoru's grandfather, along with my kimono, so it was an honour to wear them, despite the pain.

The ceremony started with us following the priest into the jinja. Before entering, all participants had to ritually wash their hands and mouth with blessed water. Kiran and I bowed and entered the jinja. We were seated facing each other with space for Kami-sama between us. Kiran seemed far away but we had to wait to sit together until our marriage was approved by Kami-sama.

The priest beat the taiko (large Japanese drum) to wake up the spirits. The sound pulsed through Kiran and I like an extra heartbeat. Next he waved a staff with paper streamers over everyone there. I wondered if this was successful at banishing the negative spirits we may have picked up unknowingly before entering the jinja. The priest then chanted a plea to Kami-sama to hear our request for marriage and to bless us. The chant is done in a nasal sing-song and it sounds as though he says each line in one breath. It is respectful to offer food to the spirits and the priest did this while Kiran and I held ourselves in humble poses, wondering whether it was ok to watch what was going on. It was hard to be a part of the ceremony and fascinated by it at the same time.

One of the most important aspects of the Shinto ceremony is San-San-kudo, the ritual of threes. In this part the couple shares three cups of sake in increasing sizes. Odd numbers cannot be split in two so they're lucky. 3 and 9 are particularly lucky. The priest's helper (called miko) brought me a small cup that was almost flat. The priest poured the sake with three motions: two fake and one real pour. I had to sip with 3 sips: two fake and the last one real. Kiran then went through the same motions with the same cup. Then a slightly bigger cup was brought out and given first to Kiran. Again the ritual was two fake pours and the final real and two fake sips with the final a real one. The medium size cup was then brought to me and the ritual repeated. The third round was with the largest of sake cups, still almost flat. The three rounds of three make a very special nine and San-San-Kudo literally means the way of three, three, nine.

After the sake ritual, the priest prepared the altar and asked permission for us to approach. The most difficult part was about to begin: our vows. We had to read from a sacred parchment in front of the altar. Fortunately, they were written in hiragana, one of the easier-to-read of the three Japanese alphabets. We learned hiragana five years ago when we lived in Japan, so we didn't have to write any secret pronunciation notes on our hands. This part of the ceremony made us the most nervous, right down to the way I had to hold the parchment. We got through it pretty well, save for the fact that Kiran forgot the word for "wife" at the end. I prompted her with a subtle whisper and we both breathed a sigh of relief as we turned away from the altar. We walked back to our seats, remembering not to turn our backs directly to Kami-sama, and to walk with our inside feet in unison, to be closer to him.

My back ached from holding my head respectfully down. When we returned our seats had been moved so that now we were sitting side by side. This was the sign that our marriage was now acceptable in the eyes of Kami-sama. After another brief dedication, it was time to offer the Sakaki branch to Kami-sama. Sakaki is considered holy and because it's evergreen it is a symbol of a long happy marriage. The priest gave us each a blessed branch. I think because I had relaxed so much after our vows all the rehearsal went out of my head. I couldn't for the life of me remember which hand to hold the top of the branch with or which way to spin it when I placed it on the altar. I felt like I was all thumbs.The priest was gentle and forgiving and guided my hands.

We turned to go back to our seats and our part of the ceremony was over. Now a Sakaki branch was given to Kaoru, our host, and Shimizu Tadashi, our Japanese honourary father. They offered them to the altar and didn't seem to have any problem with when to bow and how low. The final step was a toast of sake with everyone present. The priest poured sake in everyone's cup. He was careful to alternate from the groom's side to the bride's side when pouring so that no preference was shown. Shimizu-san made a short and touching speech in broken but perfect English (a former student of Kiran's when we taught English here). We said 'Kampai', the Japanese toast, and drank the sake. We were married!!! We stood up and faced out of the jinja. This was one of the moments when it was alright to take photos, so the flashes lit up the jinja. I felt like a movie star or politician and had to smile. The priest led us back out to the waiting area as a blessed married couple.

Throughout the ceremony we could hear birds singing in the bamboo and the occasional jingle of coins falling into the offering box outside. At the time these details were just background but it's these details that make us wonder at Japan's grace and beauty.

To read about our 3rd wedding ceremony, click here.